March 24th, 2011
I refused to call Theresa. She called me that afternoon and acted completely shocked by my news. I then found out that the majority of the emails that made me so mad were actually sent by her boyfriend. I was still mad at her not being there for me but I am learning that with my sister, it comes with the territory. When you are in charge, the only one you can completely depend on is yourself. I will be starting radiation and chemo treatments in the next couple weeks and will give an update then. Not a lot has happened since that surgery and now, but a lot has happened inside me. My brother and I are doing ok. For the time being, the panic when he raises his voice or something is lessening, and I honestly can say I love him again. I remind him when he gets loud that he is scaring me and I can't deal with any more trouble, and he checks himself. I am trying to recognize that he is limited in what he can do for me, but he does help me with Lissie sometimes, and I think as I enter treatment, he will step up and be there for me. I am no longer afraid of him. I am in God's hands.
Theresa had a health scare Monday, She took too many pills we think. She blames it on seeing Lissie's dad and having a psychotic break or seizure or something. It is funny, I can accept that she is a total liar or telling the truth and I don't really care. I always forgive and forget but I no longer put my self out there to be hurt. She can do what she wants to do and I will do what I have to do. Trust once broken isn't easily mended on either accounts. I am learning to be strong. I love to drive and it makes me feel so free, independent, and brave. I still have my moments. Sometimes I feel so incredibly lonely and overburdened. Taking care of two mentally ill people and a disabled child can be very hard. Sometimes I enjoy it, like when I went shopping for new clothes for my dad and brother, or when Lissie says something that warms my heart. I am only human for wishing I could run away once in a while. I guess the true test of maturity, character, and responsibility is that I don't. I think Momma would be proud. Sometimes in weak moments I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I ask God to forgive me for such thoughts and realize when I am thinking like that, I probably am just tired and need a break. Things always look better after a good night's sleep.
I don't know the future when it comes to my life. My health is never good, but sometimes it is better than others. Lately I have been down in my back, my arthritis acts up now and then, and of course I always wonder if the cancer is somewhere else, but so far the cancer doesn't appear to have spread any further and all the tumor markers are very low, but I really don't think too much about dying beyond being so exhausted at times the rapture sounds mighty nice. I take each day as it comes.
There are days I feel like all I do is take care of people without anyone taking care of me but I remind myself that God is taking care of me. Maybe I can't always feel him, but I know I am in his hands. I also know that even if I am unappreciated, he sees and will reward his servants. I do sometimes feel like I am disappearing. Like all I am is a housekeeper and caregiver. I have SSI now so at least financially we are holding on. It is sad that I wasted so much time that I could have spent with Momma worrying about finances. Consider the lilies...I suppose one of these days God will teach me to not worry, cast my cares on him and trust he has it under control. It can be hard walking by faith and not by sight.
I still miss Momma, but not because I need her. I wish I could have figured all this out before she died. I guess it was one of those things I had to learn for myself.
The one thing I really need help on is as a result of isolation and whatnot, I can't open up to people. Whenever I do, I don't get anything back. I feel numb. I can't seem to feel love or anything. I guess my fear is if I do admit I need help, people will think me too needy and refuse which will hurt, or I will somehow lose my newly found strength and independence and revert to the co-dependent behaviors. I dream of a miracle and I will get that husband who loves me, and the kids and the whole 9 yards, but so much has to happen before that. I am healing right now in many ways. So for me, just getting through each day is a victory. But as I said before, I feel so cut off from normal society. I have trouble being close to people and feeling that connection. That is why I started this blog. Even if we never communicate in any other way. I like to know someone reads this, and cares enough to drop a word of encouragement, pray for me, and maybe hold my virtual hand through these trials I am facing.
At least I have recorded this journey I have taken, from girlhood to womanhood. It took a long time to grow up. I think adulthood is somewhat overrated. Youth is wasted on the young. Regret is one of the saddest words in the english dictionary. I can't go back, I must go forward, and I pray God will give me a break before the next big test of my life happens.
One thing is for sure, I am truly my mother's daughter. And for now, that is enough.
