December was a strange month. It was mostly wrapped up in making Christmas happen for Lissie and if it wasn't for her we probably wouldn't have celebrated it. Fortunately I have a tradition of putting the tree up the day after Thanksgiving so I didn't have to go through all that during the aftermath. My mom wanted to donate her body to science because she didn't want us spending money on a "shell" but she didn't make arrangements beforehand so we had to have her cremated, and luckily my brother had been saving money and could afford the $600 to do it. I don't really remember a whole lot from that month except planning the memorial, and making the photo slideshow for it. I was very numb and had a lot of decisions and responsibilities thrust upon me. I still wanted to move out and was researching careers and trying to figure out what to do to make ends meet. I figured I just needed a part time job if Rebekah got her social security which she totally qualifies for. I wanted to pare down. I was and still am overwhelmed to a certain extent with a large apartment and everyone's stuff. However, a lot changed starting December 7th. I awoke suddenly in a lot of pain. The right side of my pelvis was throbbing and I could feel a knot there. I thought maybe I had another hernia because I have a couple family members who had hernias there. I went to the doctor and they said they would order a CT and if I started vomiting or the pain increased, I should go to the E.R. I went home and called the CT people and they said insurance had to approve the CT and it might be a couple weeks. Well I decided I was going to have vomiting and increased pain and go to the E.R. for my CT and the CT came back showing an enlarged lymph node. That night I had a dream that I had cancer in the lymph node. Now I don't believe in ESP or anything out there, but something makes me think my subconscious just knew something. Anyway, I researched reoccurrence of cancer within the node and the info didn't sound good. That morning I will never forget I thought to myself, if I wind up following in Momma's footsteps with the hospice and the whole 9 yards and dying, I probably won't get any help, they will all shut down into depression like they did with her, I will lay there and die ignored, because I don't have a me like my mom had. I don't have one person I can truly rely on for emotional support, and all. I got to thinking what do I want to do or whatever before I die. Mind you I didn't think I was dying but I just really was sensitive to my mortality. I always assumed I would be raptured before I died since I believe in the pre-trib rapture and there just seems to be a lot of evidence that this world can't go on much longer. Anyway, the only answer I could come up with is I want a cat. I really wished I could have had my cat that I grew up with during my previous bout with cancer, it would have been very theraputic and comforting. He died the summer of 2008 and I still remember my mother saying something had to move out or die before we would get another pet. I could actually laugh that she got her wish. See, I knew she was happy and free of pain in that wonderful place called heaven, that I mentioned earlier, so I could think of her the way she was before she got so sick. I nonchalantly went downstairs that morning and said, we are getting a cat. No one argued with me! At that moment I realized, I have power. What I say goes! I eventually got my baby that I have now January 1st, but backing up I managed to get through the memorial December 14th and by the time I got to my follow up appointment after that E.R. visit, the lymph node had grown even more. Around Christmas I got very ill with some kind of cold but it had few symptoms I just felt totally drained. I had gone over to my niece's for Christmas and she had invited me and Lissie. It was a nightmare keeping Lissie out of trouble and I was absolutely miserable to a certain extent, and shortly after dinner I realized I had a fever. For 3 days or so I was really sick and I had very little help. It turned to bronchitis, and I lost my voice for a long time. I had a few well days before the bronchitis set in, and during this time Lissie broke out in a horrible rash. We got her to the doctor and he said it was probably an allergic reaction. we gave her Benedryl and it cleared up after after a few days. Then came that Bronchitis I was talking about. They had scheduled me for surgery January 20th to remove that node for biopsy. The day before when I was supposed to go in for pre-op, Lissie got the rash again. I didn't know what to do I was so sick and her mother and I got in a huge argument via e-mail because she was in bed with whatever I had supposedly, and wouldn't put her daughter first for once, and I didn't know who I could depend on, I was afraid to go under the knife not knowing if she would be taken care of and it was just so stressful. I ended up dosing her all through the night with benadryl and the rash never got up to her face and went away. To this day, it has never come back so I don't know what it was. So I went into surgery, I woke up and was told the cancer was back. I am not the type who cries in public but I started bawling and the nurses were hugging me. After what I had experienced with my sister, whom I still hadn't talked to, I was so scared for my little girl. Yes, in that moment she became truly mine. I knew this because I wasn't worried about myself. All my concern and worry was for her.
I thought they were going to keep me but I ended up being outpatient. I went home and told my family. Aside from my sister Tara, they all looked at me like I said the car needed washing.
