December was a strange month. It was mostly wrapped up in making Christmas happen for Lissie and if it wasn't for her we probably wouldn't have celebrated it. Fortunately I have a tradition of putting the tree up the day after Thanksgiving so I didn't have to go through all that during the aftermath. My mom wanted to donate her body to science because she didn't want us spending money on a "shell" but she didn't make arrangements beforehand so we had to have her cremated, and luckily my brother had been saving money and could afford the $600 to do it. I don't really remember a whole lot from that month except planning the memorial, and making the photo slideshow for it. I was very numb and had a lot of decisions and responsibilities thrust upon me. I still wanted to move out and was researching careers and trying to figure out what to do to make ends meet. I figured I just needed a part time job if Rebekah got her social security which she totally qualifies for. I wanted to pare down. I was and still am overwhelmed to a certain extent with a large apartment and everyone's stuff. However, a lot changed starting December 7th. I awoke suddenly in a lot of pain. The right side of my pelvis was throbbing and I could feel a knot there. I thought maybe I had another hernia because I have a couple family members who had hernias there. I went to the doctor and they said they would order a CT and if I started vomiting or the pain increased, I should go to the E.R. I went home and called the CT people and they said insurance had to approve the CT and it might be a couple weeks. Well I decided I was going to have vomiting and increased pain and go to the E.R. for my CT and the CT came back showing an enlarged lymph node. That night I had a dream that I had cancer in the lymph node. Now I don't believe in ESP or anything out there, but something makes me think my subconscious just knew something. Anyway, I researched reoccurrence of cancer within the node and the info didn't sound good. That morning I will never forget I thought to myself, if I wind up following in Momma's footsteps with the hospice and the whole 9 yards and dying, I probably won't get any help, they will all shut down into depression like they did with her, I will lay there and die ignored, because I don't have a me like my mom had. I don't have one person I can truly rely on for emotional support, and all. I got to thinking what do I want to do or whatever before I die. Mind you I didn't think I was dying but I just really was sensitive to my mortality. I always assumed I would be raptured before I died since I believe in the pre-trib rapture and there just seems to be a lot of evidence that this world can't go on much longer. Anyway, the only answer I could come up with is I want a cat. I really wished I could have had my cat that I grew up with during my previous bout with cancer, it would have been very theraputic and comforting. He died the summer of 2008 and I still remember my mother saying something had to move out or die before we would get another pet. I could actually laugh that she got her wish. See, I knew she was happy and free of pain in that wonderful place called heaven, that I mentioned earlier, so I could think of her the way she was before she got so sick. I nonchalantly went downstairs that morning and said, we are getting a cat. No one argued with me! At that moment I realized, I have power. What I say goes! I eventually got my baby that I have now January 1st, but backing up I managed to get through the memorial December 14th and by the time I got to my follow up appointment after that E.R. visit, the lymph node had grown even more. Around Christmas I got very ill with some kind of cold but it had few symptoms I just felt totally drained. I had gone over to my niece's for Christmas and she had invited me and Lissie. It was a nightmare keeping Lissie out of trouble and I was absolutely miserable to a certain extent, and shortly after dinner I realized I had a fever. For 3 days or so I was really sick and I had very little help. It turned to bronchitis, and I lost my voice for a long time. I had a few well days before the bronchitis set in, and during this time Lissie broke out in a horrible rash. We got her to the doctor and he said it was probably an allergic reaction. we gave her Benedryl and it cleared up after after a few days. Then came that Bronchitis I was talking about. They had scheduled me for surgery January 20th to remove that node for biopsy. The day before when I was supposed to go in for pre-op, Lissie got the rash again. I didn't know what to do I was so sick and her mother and I got in a huge argument via e-mail because she was in bed with whatever I had supposedly, and wouldn't put her daughter first for once, and I didn't know who I could depend on, I was afraid to go under the knife not knowing if she would be taken care of and it was just so stressful. I ended up dosing her all through the night with benadryl and the rash never got up to her face and went away. To this day, it has never come back so I don't know what it was. So I went into surgery, I woke up and was told the cancer was back. I am not the type who cries in public but I started bawling and the nurses were hugging me. After what I had experienced with my sister, whom I still hadn't talked to, I was so scared for my little girl. Yes, in that moment she became truly mine. I knew this because I wasn't worried about myself. All my concern and worry was for her.
I thought they were going to keep me but I ended up being outpatient. I went home and told my family. Aside from my sister Tara, they all looked at me like I said the car needed washing.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Chapter Ten coming to terms with reality
March 24th, 2011
I refused to call Theresa. She called me that afternoon and acted completely shocked by my news. I then found out that the majority of the emails that made me so mad were actually sent by her boyfriend. I was still mad at her not being there for me but I am learning that with my sister, it comes with the territory. When you are in charge, the only one you can completely depend on is yourself. I will be starting radiation and chemo treatments in the next couple weeks and will give an update then. Not a lot has happened since that surgery and now, but a lot has happened inside me. My brother and I are doing ok. For the time being, the panic when he raises his voice or something is lessening, and I honestly can say I love him again. I remind him when he gets loud that he is scaring me and I can't deal with any more trouble, and he checks himself. I am trying to recognize that he is limited in what he can do for me, but he does help me with Lissie sometimes, and I think as I enter treatment, he will step up and be there for me. I am no longer afraid of him. I am in God's hands.
Theresa had a health scare Monday, She took too many pills we think. She blames it on seeing Lissie's dad and having a psychotic break or seizure or something. It is funny, I can accept that she is a total liar or telling the truth and I don't really care. I always forgive and forget but I no longer put my self out there to be hurt. She can do what she wants to do and I will do what I have to do. Trust once broken isn't easily mended on either accounts. I am learning to be strong. I love to drive and it makes me feel so free, independent, and brave. I still have my moments. Sometimes I feel so incredibly lonely and overburdened. Taking care of two mentally ill people and a disabled child can be very hard. Sometimes I enjoy it, like when I went shopping for new clothes for my dad and brother, or when Lissie says something that warms my heart. I am only human for wishing I could run away once in a while. I guess the true test of maturity, character, and responsibility is that I don't. I think Momma would be proud. Sometimes in weak moments I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I ask God to forgive me for such thoughts and realize when I am thinking like that, I probably am just tired and need a break. Things always look better after a good night's sleep.
I don't know the future when it comes to my life. My health is never good, but sometimes it is better than others. Lately I have been down in my back, my arthritis acts up now and then, and of course I always wonder if the cancer is somewhere else, but so far the cancer doesn't appear to have spread any further and all the tumor markers are very low, but I really don't think too much about dying beyond being so exhausted at times the rapture sounds mighty nice. I take each day as it comes.
There are days I feel like all I do is take care of people without anyone taking care of me but I remind myself that God is taking care of me. Maybe I can't always feel him, but I know I am in his hands. I also know that even if I am unappreciated, he sees and will reward his servants. I do sometimes feel like I am disappearing. Like all I am is a housekeeper and caregiver. I have SSI now so at least financially we are holding on. It is sad that I wasted so much time that I could have spent with Momma worrying about finances. Consider the lilies...I suppose one of these days God will teach me to not worry, cast my cares on him and trust he has it under control. It can be hard walking by faith and not by sight.
I still miss Momma, but not because I need her. I wish I could have figured all this out before she died. I guess it was one of those things I had to learn for myself.
The one thing I really need help on is as a result of isolation and whatnot, I can't open up to people. Whenever I do, I don't get anything back. I feel numb. I can't seem to feel love or anything. I guess my fear is if I do admit I need help, people will think me too needy and refuse which will hurt, or I will somehow lose my newly found strength and independence and revert to the co-dependent behaviors. I dream of a miracle and I will get that husband who loves me, and the kids and the whole 9 yards, but so much has to happen before that. I am healing right now in many ways. So for me, just getting through each day is a victory. But as I said before, I feel so cut off from normal society. I have trouble being close to people and feeling that connection. That is why I started this blog. Even if we never communicate in any other way. I like to know someone reads this, and cares enough to drop a word of encouragement, pray for me, and maybe hold my virtual hand through these trials I am facing.
At least I have recorded this journey I have taken, from girlhood to womanhood. It took a long time to grow up. I think adulthood is somewhat overrated. Youth is wasted on the young. Regret is one of the saddest words in the english dictionary. I can't go back, I must go forward, and I pray God will give me a break before the next big test of my life happens.
One thing is for sure, I am truly my mother's daughter. And for now, that is enough.
I refused to call Theresa. She called me that afternoon and acted completely shocked by my news. I then found out that the majority of the emails that made me so mad were actually sent by her boyfriend. I was still mad at her not being there for me but I am learning that with my sister, it comes with the territory. When you are in charge, the only one you can completely depend on is yourself. I will be starting radiation and chemo treatments in the next couple weeks and will give an update then. Not a lot has happened since that surgery and now, but a lot has happened inside me. My brother and I are doing ok. For the time being, the panic when he raises his voice or something is lessening, and I honestly can say I love him again. I remind him when he gets loud that he is scaring me and I can't deal with any more trouble, and he checks himself. I am trying to recognize that he is limited in what he can do for me, but he does help me with Lissie sometimes, and I think as I enter treatment, he will step up and be there for me. I am no longer afraid of him. I am in God's hands.
Theresa had a health scare Monday, She took too many pills we think. She blames it on seeing Lissie's dad and having a psychotic break or seizure or something. It is funny, I can accept that she is a total liar or telling the truth and I don't really care. I always forgive and forget but I no longer put my self out there to be hurt. She can do what she wants to do and I will do what I have to do. Trust once broken isn't easily mended on either accounts. I am learning to be strong. I love to drive and it makes me feel so free, independent, and brave. I still have my moments. Sometimes I feel so incredibly lonely and overburdened. Taking care of two mentally ill people and a disabled child can be very hard. Sometimes I enjoy it, like when I went shopping for new clothes for my dad and brother, or when Lissie says something that warms my heart. I am only human for wishing I could run away once in a while. I guess the true test of maturity, character, and responsibility is that I don't. I think Momma would be proud. Sometimes in weak moments I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I ask God to forgive me for such thoughts and realize when I am thinking like that, I probably am just tired and need a break. Things always look better after a good night's sleep.
I don't know the future when it comes to my life. My health is never good, but sometimes it is better than others. Lately I have been down in my back, my arthritis acts up now and then, and of course I always wonder if the cancer is somewhere else, but so far the cancer doesn't appear to have spread any further and all the tumor markers are very low, but I really don't think too much about dying beyond being so exhausted at times the rapture sounds mighty nice. I take each day as it comes.
There are days I feel like all I do is take care of people without anyone taking care of me but I remind myself that God is taking care of me. Maybe I can't always feel him, but I know I am in his hands. I also know that even if I am unappreciated, he sees and will reward his servants. I do sometimes feel like I am disappearing. Like all I am is a housekeeper and caregiver. I have SSI now so at least financially we are holding on. It is sad that I wasted so much time that I could have spent with Momma worrying about finances. Consider the lilies...I suppose one of these days God will teach me to not worry, cast my cares on him and trust he has it under control. It can be hard walking by faith and not by sight.
I still miss Momma, but not because I need her. I wish I could have figured all this out before she died. I guess it was one of those things I had to learn for myself.
The one thing I really need help on is as a result of isolation and whatnot, I can't open up to people. Whenever I do, I don't get anything back. I feel numb. I can't seem to feel love or anything. I guess my fear is if I do admit I need help, people will think me too needy and refuse which will hurt, or I will somehow lose my newly found strength and independence and revert to the co-dependent behaviors. I dream of a miracle and I will get that husband who loves me, and the kids and the whole 9 yards, but so much has to happen before that. I am healing right now in many ways. So for me, just getting through each day is a victory. But as I said before, I feel so cut off from normal society. I have trouble being close to people and feeling that connection. That is why I started this blog. Even if we never communicate in any other way. I like to know someone reads this, and cares enough to drop a word of encouragement, pray for me, and maybe hold my virtual hand through these trials I am facing.
At least I have recorded this journey I have taken, from girlhood to womanhood. It took a long time to grow up. I think adulthood is somewhat overrated. Youth is wasted on the young. Regret is one of the saddest words in the english dictionary. I can't go back, I must go forward, and I pray God will give me a break before the next big test of my life happens.
One thing is for sure, I am truly my mother's daughter. And for now, that is enough.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)