Two events stand out as the real changing moments of my life. The first I didn't recognize as such... My niece whom I will call Lissie was born August 2003. My sister whom I will call Theresa was married to a bad guy for 10 years, had a child with him whom I will call Ella, and got hooked on prescription drugs, he divorced her and the rest was a downward spiral. She got involved with creep after creep until one creep knocked her up. I moved in with her temporarily to help out and after 3 days, took Lissie back to my mother so Theresa could rest some. As a result or maybe as a consequence, I don't think she ever truly bonded with her. She took her for occasional visits until at the age of 3 weeks while in Theresa's care, was present when her father tried to kill her mother. At that point Lissie really became ours. I had so many plans and dreams for her. When she was 3 1/2 we learned she was autistic. That really was hard because I wanted the same kind of relationship I had with my other nieces, and while she is very loving and we are blessed she isn't more severe, she can't really give back the same level of affection and bonding. Also, it makes her a ton more work and you have to think of things you wouldn't with a typical child. She practically has to have someone watching her every minute because she can be very distructive, and while she has some language, it is hard to communicate with her, and sometimes, it can be very stressful to be around her, especially for someone with anxiety issues. Sometimes just listening to her can stress me out, as she can be very loud and will have tantrums over the smallest things.
August 26th, 2009 will stand out as the other life changing day... or the start of a lifechanging period you might say. Up to this point, I had a part time job, played games online, watched my niece sometimes for my mom, played with my cat, until he died the previous summer, and was basically oblivious to the turmoil around me. I had a few dreams...I was going to get a job, maybe go back and get my masters and be a librarian.
The bulk of that summer was spent finally learning to drive. I actually ended up getting my license august 2010 because some things got in the way but it was the first time I really got over my fears and started enjoying driving.
The first thing I noticed that summer was an increased sex drive. I did things I was ashamed of as a Christian. I am a virgin in the sense that matters, but I masturbated internally and externally, had cyber sex, and watched porn and read erotica. However, orgasms were becoming increasingly a mixture of pleasure and pain. I didn't think much of it, after all, what did I have to compare it to?
I lost 10 pounds. yay! I thought. Maybe my metabolism is speeding up. Then I had nausea that was so slight and gradual it really wasn't detectable. I would have moments of I don't feel so good, and as soon as it came over me it went.. Then I started having gagging spells in the morning. I joked I might be the only virgin who gets morning sickness.
The other thing I noticed is my periods were getting more painful, heavier, and longer. I had just been switched to a stronger birth control pill to regulate because I was having a lot of breakthrough bleeding even while on lutera.
But on this day, everything came to a head. I remember waking up from a nap and getting up to get ready for work. I had this sudden sharp pain that made me double over it was so bad. I went to sit on the toilet and I had a bowel movement but I couldn't push or anything. The pain was so great it was like as the poop went through my colon it was stabbing me.After I was done I just lay on the bed sobbing it hurt so much. My mother immediately thought I could be having appendicitis based on the location of the pain, intermittent nausea and a slight fever so I went to the ER more worried about the fact I was uninsured than anything else. I had people pound on my stomach repeatedly (does that hurt, how bout this) it was like a black comedy, I really must have a twisted sense of humor because I look back on that ER visit and laugh. I was sent down for a CT. It showed some kind of mass but "we don't know where it is coming from, it could be infection from your appendix, it could be a fibroid tumor, we just don't know but your uterus might need to be removed" that last comment made me angry because a man said it and I felt like saying how would you feel if someone told you nonchalantly that your testicles might need removing? Anyway, so they sent me down for an ultrasound. I conveniently left out the fact I was a virgin because I wanted them to do whatever they needed to do to get to the bottom of this so I let them put the wand thingy up me (after all, I seriously doubted I had any hymen left) and this "mass" was blocking the view of my left ovary, they couldn't see it no matter what they did. So the next step was an MRI. This is probably the most humorous part of this 32 hour ER visit. I go in and I swear he was a dead ringer for that indian dude on Heroes. beautiful english accent and I kinda dug him lol. Anyway, He put earphones over my ears because the MRI can be loud and I kid you not, the song that came on the radio as my back is killing me from having to be still while my side is throbbing intermittently and I am contemplating what the heck could be wrong with me was "if I lay here...If I just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?" or otherwise known to Grey's fans as Denny's song (the song playing when Izzie is laying next to Denny's dead body... yeah major fan... anyway) Isn't that rather hillarious?
So to wrap up this segment of my story, a very sweet Russian doctor was fighting tooth and nail to rush me into surgery but money matters won the day. I was uninsured. I had to apply for a special insurance the hospital had for low income people before they would do anything. They told me it was one of those things they couldn't really diagnose without an exploratory laparotomy. So into the quagmire of medical insurance bureaucracy I went.
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